Episode 44: Emotional Resilience and Healing
Building our emotional resilience will give us the strength we need to find our way out of chaos and onto finding personal healing.
I just got finished doing an interview for a conference that's going to be held next week that is free to you. It is a conference on becoming an emotionally resilient parent, it's going to be the two to three days, they're had, they have a ton of different speakers that they're interviewing, and they're going to put this content online. So I don't have all the details yet, but I will. So make sure you're following me on social media, Roxanne Kennedy-Granata.
And there I'll post the different details and things about it. But it's going to be great because that's exactly what we need to be. Right. We need to be emotionally resilient in our own selves for our children, for our families, our co workers, our friends, everybody. And and that's the stuff that we talk about anyway, on a daily basis. We do talk about children, but we also talk about the healing that we need for ourselves.
Right, I recently was reading this quote, and in it somewhere it said something like, healing happens when you walk yourself to a new ending. So many times we end up stuck in our situation, we spin round and round and round, I watch it all the time, I used to be in it all the time, the cycle happens over and over and over. It's like you feel like you're in a hamster wheel. And you're just doing the same thing over and over again.
And you don't know how to get yourself off you think you do for a minute, right? We set the boundary, we say what we need, what we want, what we won't take what we won't handle what we won't do anymore. Yet the cycle repeats itself. And we find ourselves still not doing what we need to do. We find ourselves going okay, well, that didn't even work. And here I am again, and I still feel stuck. And it's because we're having a hard time navigating through the fear. We wanted our boundary to work, we wanted our voice to be heard.
We wanted to be able to say what we deserve, and have that be respected, appreciated, and even fought for. So what happens when we don't, it kind of goes back to this conference that I was just interviewing for, we have to build our emotional resilience. There's no other way. Because otherwise, we come to every experience in a place of fear in a place of this gripped shoulders up to our ears, clenching our eyes freaking out going, Oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. And I'm going to do the same thing again. I'm going to ask for the boundary, I'm going to ask for the respect, I'm going to state one more time what it is I want.
And we're going to get back in that hamster wheel and we're going to wait, we're going to spin and spin and spin and wait and hope this time fingers crossed, that what we've said will make a difference. And then it comes back again. If we want something to change, either in ourselves with our relationship with our children, we have to do our personal work. And we have to get out of the hamster wheel and we have to do it different. We we have to otherwise, we're going to be in the same situation year after year after year. I'm sure many of you are in that and you're feeling it and you're like that's me.
I'm in that it's been years and I keep doing the same thing. I hear you I understand you are for sure not alone. This is normal behavior normal actions because the unknown is paralyzing. It is so scary to do it different when we don't know what's going to happen. And isn't that interesting? Because when we do it the same way, we still get the same result yet we want to try it again. Because even though we're being shown what the answer is going to be, we're thinking I know but this is the most comfortable in the uncomfortable that I can get.
So I'm just going to try it one more time. Eventually, it gets tiring eventually. You can't do that hamster wheel one more time. If that's where you are. If you're ready to do it different then you have to start taking new action, learn new skills, new tools, learn why you want to be in the hamster wheel why that feels more safe, even though you know the outcomes not gonna work. Why does that feel better to you? Why do you want that? What is it now this is not about shame. Because we don't need to shame ourselves.
We need to just be in awareness what is going on in me in my heart and soul, that I am choosing to be in the hamster wheel. What is it that I still need to know or learn? What am I not seeing? What am I not letting go of? There's so many different questions we can ask ourselves. I would guess if you've been on the hamster wheel for a while, you probably need to talk to somebody to help you navigate because you're only go to is your own thoughts in your own mind. That means your own decision making your own discernment.
And you almost need somebody to like, challenge it for a minute. You need someone to like, give you new possibilities, new ideas, new things to think through. Now you don't have to necessarily follow those things, but it will open your mind. It's like cracking open. Right on this interview today. The lady asked me the question about healing and about trauma and, and she talked about the cocoon of a butterfly before it becomes one right the caterpillar goes in the cocoon, and it's all tight in there and wrapped up in there until it breaks free. And as a butterfly. I I've heard that a lot. We've probably all read that somewhere.
But the thought today that came to me was we are in our own cocoon, because we feel safe. Because we feel like the trauma has been so much we are going to tight ourselves into this cocoon of the way things can be the only way that can be because we cannot handle another shock, another trauma another D day another scary fearful thing because we don't think we'll survive. Our body can't handle something more because we have PTSD. We can't do it. We can't keep having these things happen over and over.
And so we go into this cocoon. Now the thing that's different about the caterpillar is that his life is going to open up anyway. Right? Ours will give us the opportunity to open up that cocoon, but we have to choose to do it. We have to choose to break free break through start etching away at that outer shell that is trying to keep us protected. Because we know, on the outside, there's something better there's something more that caterpillar completely changes from one thing to another. That's pretty symbolic of our lives.
We are one way and we are striving to break free and become a new becoming a new is scary In the meantime, in right in the middle of it because it's unknown that caterpillar does not know it's going to be a butterfly. You do not know what's in store for you. You do not know what God has planned for you. But I'm telling you it is good. I'm telling you. He wants to help you be a butterfly. Now, let me make that clear. I'm not saying that everybody needs to leave their relationship and everybody needs to do things in a way that is super scary, not what I'm saying. Just open your mind to what he wants to do for you to show you.
Healing you walking yourself to a different ending than what you're in now will create the opportunity for you to etch away that outer shell. You think it's comfortable, but you're scared in it anyway, to find what is actually waiting for you. The healing the freedom, the peace, the happiness, the joy, that's on the other side of trauma, heartbreak. That's what healing gives you. It gives you peace. So what I'm offering you right now is hope that it can be different hope that even as you're walking through it, it's going to be okay.
What our cocoon wants to tell us is wait a second, we just started this new process. We just started healing. We just started opening up and seeing what our reality is. And now it's worse. Yes, you're right. It is the trauma, the pain, the emotional intensity of things gets worse before it gets better. Why do you think that is? when we're looking at hard things and when we're looking at our life clear when we're digging deep and letting the emotions come to the surface and we're accepting what's actually true and what's happening. It is painful. It's so painful.
Oh my goodness. It's like life altering. Grab your heart, hug yourself, hold it in, I'm gonna die if I don't hold it in my heart will probably pop out of my chest broken shattered on the ground. Because we're uncovering the raw, vulnerable, painful pieces. We're reliving experiences that we have felt where we did not feel seen or heard or validated or treated the right way. And that causes us pain. So yes, as you start doing the work to heal. It's going to be For a minute, it's going to feel stressful, it's going to feel bad.
But what's also great about it is you're finally, you're seeing clear you're opening your eyes and everything you discover, even if it's painful is like awareness. It's like, wow, oh my gosh, I haven't said that out loud before. And you're gonna start being honest with yourself and being able to share and talk about things that are so hard that you have kept in for so long. All those days that you wish, I just wish I had somebody to talk to somebody, I could tell my deepest heartache, too. You can.
And there is somebody, whether it's me, another counselor, another mentor, a friend, somebody who is safe, who does not have an interest in whether you stay or whether you go, who is completely neutral, on what the outcome is supposed to be, because only you are going to find out that through your discovery. If we go back to that phrase, that healing happens, when you walk yourself to a new ending, when you're willing to move and do it different when you want to get out of the hamster wheel.
Imagine what that would feel like to you imagine in your heart, close your eyes for a minute. Take a deep breath and breathe in. And breathe out. Now, repeat this in your mind. Healing will happen when I walked myself to a new ending. Can you imagine the feeling of peace. Just Just put your hands over your heart, close your eyes still. And just think to yourself? Wow, healing feels so good. I love how free I feel that my decisions are working, that I'm becoming a new, that I'm feeling less stressed about navigating or managing somebody else or a bunch of people or the situation.
This feels so good. To let go and surrender, I finally can let go. I can clasp the grip that I have on trying to survive and trying to control a situation I can let go. And it feels so good to do that. Oh my goodness, I feel so much hope coming into my heart and soul. Just knowing that it's going to be okay, if I let go. That healing starts with me. healing happens when I'm ready. When I'm ready, I get to feel different. Because I get to learn how to do things different.
I don't have to stay in this hamster wheel. I can learn new skills on how to be okay. How to be healthy inside how to build emotional resilience inside. I want to do that I'm ready to do that. Today's the day I want to learn one step at a time. I don't have to let it all go at once. I can just uncollapse one fist if I want. I can learn one new thing. I can take one new step I can reach out and talk to one new person. Now. Take another deep breath. Breathe in and breathe out. How does that feel to you? Did you notice your body calming? Did you notice your sense of relief? Did you feel a sense of power and hope and encouragement.
You can replay that as many times as you need to. And of course you can add any other phrases that you want to it. But this will help you get to the beginning of doing something different. This will help you say okay, where am I at now maybe you've been on the road of healing and you've done so well. But you're in a place of feeling stuck again. This can help you no matter where you are on your personal path and journey. You can keep walking towards more healing so that you can thrive and be happy. Every time you feel fearful of doing things different than you have. Just remember the picture of watching a hamster in a hamster wheel and thinking to yourself is what I'm doing. Like the hamster wheel.
Am I doing something that is similar to what I've done over and over in the past. You don't have to shame yourself. You don't have to be mad. Just as you make yourself more and more aware become more and more present with yourself on a daily basis like what is happening in the present moment. When you ask yourself questions like that before you act. You will you will see things and do things and communicate in such a different place than in a reactive space. So if you can stop for a second and ask yourself those questions, am I acting from the hamster wheel? If the answer is yes, ask yourself, do I want to do that again?
Or am I ready to get off? Either way is fine. If you are wanting to stay in the hamster wheel, well, I just want to try this one more time. Okay, great. Do it, try it, do whatever you need to do. It's totally fine to stay in that hamster wheel as many times as you need to. Your healing and recovery journey is going to be personal to you. And it will take you as many times as necessary until you're ready. So that's why there's no shame in it. It's just the more aware we become, the more we'll notice different things as we're doing these things. So as you stay in the hamster wheel, you'll notice, Okay, wow, I still don't feel good. That still didn't make me happy.
All it did was bandaid, the situation for a second. And you can start going okay, well, I kind of feels good right now. Because I don't have to worry at the moment about something else, you can also start going, Okay, so it still stayed the same, the reactions from the other people are still the same. I want to I don't think I want to do that next time. So instead of wanting to help, when you're in a frantic state, you can actually then reach out and get the help you need when you're in a calm state of awareness.
So either way, if you do notice, and you ask yourself the question, am I doing this and putting myself back in the hamster wheel, and you say to yourself, I don't want to do that this time, then take a step back, don't take any action at the moment, and get the help you need. Or if you've already had the help go back and look through your tools and do it different. And yes, it's going to be scary. But then also think about that Caterpillar that's in its cocoon.
And he's trying to break out to become the butterfly, when we think of ourselves in a way of growth and immersion and, and going through this refiners fire of goodness, and that we're going to come out on the other side feeling like we did, when we closed our eyes, and we held our heart and we imagined how good it would feel to heal. It's different, it feels different. And we can take the step to change it. When we're ready. We're ready. Wherever you are on the path. Just know it is possible to feel different when you're ready.
And there is something about doing those sorts of thought processes, those meditations, that mindfulness of what it will feel like, when we are healed when we are on our healing journey when we're feeling better, more, more time of the day than not. It helps us to actually find ways to feel better. When we start out, and we're meditating. And we're thinking, Oh, this feels so good to feel that way. We will do things that day that add that into our life, we're still going to have the hard stuff. But we'll also balance it with good stuff.
Building emotional resilience in your own self is going to affect every aspect of your life. For the good. When we are healthy, we're coming from a different place, we react from a different place, we think from a different place, we navigate we think of solutions, there is not the same trauma fog that we have. When we don't. When we're just in the fear and the trauma of things, our emotional resilience is kind of at a low, and we don't actually know how to dig down and find it and go, Hey, wait, where's my resilience stuff, I need to look through it and find what I'm supposed to do in this situation. It's very hard when we're in that place of trauma.
So that's why it's important to work on it, we might not be able to handle it all at once. But noticing Wow, I'm in trauma, okay, I need to calm down, I need to do what I need to do to get through my trauma, I need to love myself through it, I need to get the help I need. And now I need to add something to my emotional resilience to learn so I can stack that up. So that when something comes when that wave comes back in, I already have a surplus of resilience, trauma, infidelity, abuse, addiction, all of that kind of wipes out any resilience that we had for a minute.
It takes down our self worth and our self esteem and and our capabilities of thinking we can do anything and we know the answers. We don't know any answers. It seems like I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. We get super overwhelmed easily. We're frantic and we have triggers and trauma and it is a really hard place to be. But we've all experienced it. Or we will if we haven't and we know what I'm talking about when we say it felt impossible to get up and figure this out. But you know what you're here.
All of you got up, you got up and started walking, whether it's listening to this podcast, reading some books, attending groups going to therapy, mentoring with me, whatever it is that you're doing, you're walking it. You're building your capacity, emotionally. So even when you think you aren't doing it, just the fact that you're here, you're doing something, you're striving, you're trying, you're working, it's really love to yourself, that you're here, you're loving yourself enough to look at how you can break free, become more emotionally resilient, so that you can heal and so that you can make really strong decisions.
It's empowering, you are doing it. We're all doing it together. You're not alone in this, you're not the only one. I know that you want to feel better and get through the chaos. That is all jumbled up in your mind and body. I can show you how to take all of that overwhelm. We can sort it all out. And I can give you steps and tools you need to feel better. So if you're ready to do something like that, you can breathe a sigh of relief that you will be getting through it. You're making it just because you show up for yourself on a regular basis.
By opening yourself up by starting to shed that cocoon, you will start seeing a clear view of what your personal future can look like. It's not just dark in the clouds, your hunkered down, covered up with shields, there's actually light, there's actually goodness, it's like where the butterfly goes he the butterfly breaks free, and he flies away into this beautiful sky, it is actually possible to feel that way. It's it's possible to feel like that butterfly, it may not seem like it, but it actually is something coming up is the retreat. I talked about it last week, we are just about halfway full right now. So I suspect we'll be filled to capacity within the next week or so.
But if it is something that you feel, will help you take those steps out of the hamster wheel or help work on your next level of feeling stuck. If you feel like when you read through it and look at it and look at our speakers that Wow, that is something I should be at. Don't take too long to register. If you really want one of those spots, but that is online, you can follow me on Instagram to see all those posts. You can also go to the website, RoxanneKennedyGranata.com and all of that information is there.
If you have not spoken with me before, and you just want to ask me a question or you want to see if I can help you. Or if your situation is something that you'll feel good sharing with me. Right on the front page of the website. On the right hand side, there's a little box that says schedule a 20 minute session free. That's for you. Click on it. Send me your name and email. I'll reply back, we'll set up a time. And we'll talk and you can see if I'm someone who can help you or you can just ask me a question. I'm here for you. I really am I want to help you get from feeling that stuck, chaotic place.
Let's sort it all out. Put it all out on the table of what you're dealing with what the truth is of your reality. And let's give you a plan to work through it so that you can break free of that cocoon. It is the most hopeful, empowering thing. As you start feeling that freedom inside when when you have a breakthrough. When you learn something new when you have this idea or this thought that goes, whoa, oh my gosh. That's what this is. I couldn't figure it out.
And now I did. There is something so fulfilling and hopeful. When that happens to you. It can happen for you. I'm sure you felt it in different situations. But if you need help, please, please, please reach out to somebody who can help you. In the meantime, practice doing what we talked about, of holding your heart talking about saying out loud, saying the sentences of how it would feel if you were healing. If you knew the right tools if if you had them, how would it feel and imagine how it would feel in your heart. When you close your eyes and hold your heart and imagine sun hitting your face and how great that would feel.
It's the same with healing. Imagine it as if you are already experiencing it and you'll know you'll get a glimpse of what it will feel like when it's really happening. And by meditating on it that way and thinking about it that way you will bring yourself closer to finding that. So glad you were here today. I look forward to having many of you at this free conference that's coming up. All those details will be posted on social media. So watch for that there'll be so many speakers talking about emotional resilience in parenting and how important that is. You're going to love it. Such a great resource and it's free. So take advantage of it. And we'll see you next time.