Episode 59: Excavating Our Life to Create a Blank Slate

When we are standing in that desolate place in our mind and feel paralyzed and stuck with all that has been lost and not knowing how to feel happy or productive again or the feeling of not knowing how to progress and move forward, create for yourself a blank slate. 

Episode Transcription:

(This transcript was created using software. Please be advised that it won't be 100% accurate, and it may contain formatting errors.)

I was talking to somebody just the other day. And they were telling me and asked me some questions about how I felt when I was kind of in the middle of recovery and healing and seeing a counselor, the reason they asked me is because they were expressing that they just feel like, even though their relationship is going really well. And that's like their grounding force, it's a new relationship. And it is safe and warm and good and equal, right? Even though they have that they have all these other feelings and sadness and pain going on around them.

And so they were wondering if I guess maybe if it was normal, or if they were on the right track, because they don't understand why they would be feeling that way. Why is it so hard, when we actually have got through the, you know, the horrific part of what's going on in our life, and we are starting to see some of the good things, the fruits of our labor and effort, yet, we still don't feel very good. So as we were talking, and this person was sharing with me, and then asked me the questions, have you ever felt that way?

The way I all of a sudden sought in my mind was I was standing there in this deserted space. And I felt like there was nothing I was standing in nothingness. And even though there were certain pieces of my life that were grounded, or that felt really good, and I could look at and go, Okay, I'm, I'm really happy, like, this feels good. The rest of my life didn't, it felt empty, lonely. I didn't know what my purpose was. I didn't have any passion. I didn't have any hobbies anymore. I didn't know really even who I was, what I was, what I liked what I didn't like.

And I felt like paralyzed in my space. I felt like, I'm looking at this vastness of nothingness. And I didn't know where to go or how to step. It's a very paralyzing feeling, and almost one that can feel so overwhelming to where it's like, what do you want from me? God, like what is happening? I have done the work. I continue to do the work. I have good things that have happened in my life. And I feel like I'm never going to get on the other side. I'm never going to make it actually make it to where I'm happy. And I'm thriving, and I feel good.

Is this really how it works? Am I really going through life now? Not ever happy again, there was that time in that space, where even though there were some good things, I was not happy. If I was honest with myself, and in prayer, talking about it with God. I was like, I'm just not happy at all. Like, yeah, this piece is, but so many areas I'm not. I felt empty, and I felt alone. Even though I had people around me or things or job or whatever, I still felt different, isolated. I don't know. And I'm sure I created some of it myself. But some of it was like the aftermath of something crazy.

So here I am in this desolate place in my mind. And I'm talking to this person, and I'm thinking about that space. And it all of a sudden kind of hit me that the whole place our whole internal systems, our mind and the way we think our heart and the way it's been broken or how we view things or what we want or the expectations, all the things right. There's so many of all the things that it's just like so much sometimes, but all of it needed to be excavated, all of it needed to have boulder dozers come in and tractors and steamroll everything and get all the garbage in and dump it to the side and clear it out. So there was nothing there.

Nothing left. And in those moments, it felt like almost unsafe and unstable. Even though all the things that weren't good were cleared away because there was nothing, the unknown of what was to come, or what I was going to build or put in that place was beyond my understanding. Looking back on it, though now. Now I see it as this excavation process where it was a gift, it's like, let's clear it all out. And let's let you start over, let's let you form new thoughts, new beliefs, build new relationships, add in what you do want, figure out your passion and purpose, with your job with your relationships with yourself with your hobbies, figure those things out.

So you can start filling up yourself with your own personal needs, and that you've taken care of them. You didn't need someone else to do it, nobody had to come to your rescue in order for you to be okay. It's like building emotional resilience. It's like creating this life. That's intentional. That whole concept that we've talked about lately about living life on purpose, this gave us the opportunity to truly live life on purpose, my life is cleared out, what am I going to do with it.

So as I was talking to this person, and we were talking about that, it just clicked and made so much sense that the reason I'm now where I am, is because I let that excavation process happen. I let things get cleared out, I allowed the surrender, and I let things be removed, whether they actually just remove themselves naturally, or whether God came in remove them for me. Either way, in the process, it felt like things were getting stripped from me like all these things, and people in friendships and things that I loved in my life, were no longer healthy for me, they no longer were good for me to be in that environment, they were causing more pain and more chaos, they needed to be removed.

And since I was doing my work, the rewards were happening, I just didn't know to see that way, then I was thinking then I'm doing all this work and nothing's happening, things are getting worse, I'm losing more friendships, or that job didn't work out, or I'm not making the money I need or it's hard because I have my kids and I have to take care of them all the time or, or whatever, whatever your personal situation is. But when we're in it in the moment, it looks as though we've been left alone to navigate by ourselves and everything keeps shifting and changing.

And we don't think it's for the good. But on the other side of it, when we've made it through when we've come out on the other side and all is what it is. And there's no more changing it. It's just is what it is these things are done or lost or changed. And we've come to that acceptance, all of a sudden, we're standing in our own clear space. It's not desolate in a bad way. It's like erasing a chalkboard, when all the stuff and you've been brainstorming things and you're like, Okay, I know what I'm doing. I'm done. Let's erase that now and clear it out.

And we can breathe a sigh of relief, we are clear, we are cleaned out, we no longer are in chaos, we are no longer jumbled up in our thoughts and feelings, then we get to decide how cool is that we get to decide what comes back in to our life. We get to decide to keep working on ourselves, or healing our relationships. This person, they were talking to me about the fact that their relationship is wonderful, like so good. They can't even believe it. They cry all the time about it. They just can't even believe this was this was a male person that I was talking to.

And he was talking about how he's never felt like this in his entire life has never felt the way he does now that he's in this new relationship. He didn't even know it existed to be treated that way to be treated with care, respect, kindness, love, where he could feel anything he wanted, where he could say what's going on with him, or he could say where his troubles are what he's worried about. And his partner can hear it and understand it and be like, oh, wow, okay, well, I'm sorry that that's happening for you. I totally get it. I'm glad you're feeling it. Right, his partner is a healthy person as well.

And so it's like, together, they're experiencing something new, something that they always wanted before, but it couldn't happen with that original partner. That has to happen after the fact. So as he's standing in his own desolate area, and has been doing his work for quite some time and has this new relationship, he's like, Is it normal to be so happy you can't even stand it. And also be so sad and unhappy and be able to truly in your inner core say You know what,I am just not happy. For me, yes. It's absolutely true and normal, that that happens that there's that duality of those two emotions at the same time. I experienced that.

Maybe you have maybe you haven't maybe you agree or you don't? I don't know. But for me, that was such a big truth. How can I happy and so sad at the same time, in my short relationship before I just got married to my husband now. So a few years ago, when I was in that relationship that just lasted a year, when I first was dating him, I felt so happy, like, I loved this relationship. I loved being with him, and I loved what we had. And at the same time, all of my other things were coming up, it was almost as if the years before had taken its toll, and they had caught up with me.

And my anxiety, depression, things like that were through the roof. And that was not something I suffered with regularly. I had never been on any medication before. And I've shared that story with you, where I had gone to meet some friends that were coming from out of town. And immediately this friend just just brought out her her antidepressant and said, Hey, I'm on this. I mean, she knew nothing about me feeling that way. And she was prompted to show it to me, which then I knew was a tender mercy from God for me that he knew I needed help at that moment.

And I took the help. And I went in and talked to my doctor got on something and used it just for a short time, about three months, until my levels were normal. And I was okay again. But in that moment, I had that duality of emotion, how can I be happy and thrilled and just so grateful on this end and be so empty and lonely and sad and, and pain on this. And that's because there's so much to us, we have so many emotions going on. There's there's all these things that have happened that cause us to feel certain ways.

That's why it can be both being happy here is because this is a separate piece of who we are, this is a relationship that we just started, this is this feels good, we're enjoying this we're in, we're loving being treated this way and being thought of this way. And then we have our pain from the past or things we're working on, or other relationships, family members or friends that have problems still, or that we haven't worked through the healing process all the way. So that's okay, it's just both. That's why in a day, you can have so many emotions, you can be so happy.

And then a short time later, you are depressed and you are crying, or you need to go on a drive or you need to take a rest or you need to meditate because all of a sudden, you are thinking ,wait, why do I feel so low now when I felt so good, that is totally normal when we're talking about our feelings and emotions. And especially when you are in awareness of your self, being in true awareness of who you are, and where you're at at all times, is a really good sign of healing. If you're not quite there yet, that's okay. Just keep working it comes.

But what the benefit that that does is yes, it does bring a lot more emotions because you do feel and notice what you're thinking all the time. But at the same time, you have a better chance to navigate through them quickly, rather than them being stuffed down and coming out later coming out sideways, whether we treat people badly treat ourselves badly, or whatever, when we're in awareness in the moment, oh, wow, my mood just shifted. And now all of a sudden, I went from this happy feeling to depressed and angry, we can then evaluate it. That's what living life on purpose is about. We can evaluate in the moment and it's helpful.

And so when we're standing there in our own desolate desert of nothingness, and we were doing our work, and we feel like it's never going to end and I'm going to be walking in the sandy desert. What am I even supposed to do. That's why we can look at it that way. And we can see it differently now and go, Okay, I'm in my desert. But that means I have done the work enough to clear out all the craziness, all the chaos, all the unhealthy, all the bad things, all the past beliefs, the false beliefs, the self harm thoughts, negative self beliefs, any of those things that sit in our life around us that keep us all crowded, that we have used as a safety measure are now removed and we feel vulnerable.

And we feel a little bit insecure because we're standing there alone, but it is such a gift. The work we're doing is clearing out that. So when you get to that place and you are feeling like oh my goodness, I am there. That's where I am right now. And you're shaming yourself saying I should not feel this way. Yes, you should. Of course you should. what you feel is okay. Just notice it and then be aware of Okay, well, why am I feeling this way? In this man's situation you know, why is he feeling that way when he has this great relationship?

Well, he has other things he's working on. He's still healing from his his past marriage. He's He's still working through navigating what that looks like being a person of divorce. Being in a world where even though divorce is 50% of the people have gone through it, it still is uncomfortable for those who haven't. Sometimes it's sometimes uncomfortable for them. So they feel a little like an outsider, I know I felt that way, it's not easy being a divorced person, because nobody knows what to do or say if they have not experienced it, or their family doesn't have it, then they just don't know.

And I was that way before. So I'm not judging anybody, anybody here who has never been divorced, not judging you at all. It's just fact when we have not gone through something we can't truly know. And I was in that situation as well. When my first friend got divorced, somebody that I knew, I felt so unsure about What was I supposed to do? And what should I even say? What do I even ask them about? It's interesting, because obviously, they're still the same person. I know that now. But I didn't know that then. And so it's just learning for everybody.

But for us, and this person I was talking to, when we look at our life, and we're trying to make it make sense, and we're trying to make our own mind, think something different, be mad at ourselves that we're upset about this, or why can't I just be happy, I should be grateful. Sure, of course, gratitude and acknowledging what God has given us, obviously helps. And we do want to do that. In this person's case. He was like, I am so grateful for this new relationship I'm in. So why am I not okay over here. And that's when we were talking about, there's just still so many things to heal.

And we're just so multi dimensional, we are not one layer. And so there's other things. So it's more like having gratitude for the piece that is feeling good at the moment that is feeling settled, that does feel safe, in his case, this relationship, and then being able to see in the other areas, well, what is still harming me, or what feelings are still coming up. For me, that's probably the things I need to work on. What am I nervous about? Well, you know, I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. In my case, I was like, looking around my feet were in cement.

I felt stuck, like it's this empty, blank slate. And whatever I do is going to have results or consequences. And I was fearing doing it wrong. The imperfection was killing me. And I thought I cannot step out of fear that I will make a mistake. I didn't want to cause myself more harm. Do you guys ever feel like that? Do you feel ever like, I cannot handle any more pain than what I've gone through. So I cannot do something else. I can't. If I take that step, if I try that job, if I if I create this company, if I blog, this, whatever it is, and it doesn't work, then I have failed.

And I have caused myself heartache and pain. That's a false belief that is you fearing and making decisions based out of fear. And we already know that that doesn't work. So it's just a matter of navigating that talking ourselves through it, doing our therapy work over it. And acknowledging where we're at, okay, I'm fearful of making a mistake. Well, how come? Well, why am I fearful of making that mistake? Well, if I fail at this, then everybody will see that I'm, I'm terrible. Or if I fail at this, then my ex spouse is right. And they, they're right, that I wasn't good enough. And I'm not going to be good at anything. So those are wounds.

And those are trauma wounds. And so those need to be healed. And so when we started acknowledging and noticing, we can actually see where we're stuck, and why when we get past our self worth false beliefs that we don't have enough or our somebody is going to do it better. Or what if I don't do it right, or perfect. When we get through those beliefs, we can take the step knowing that we can take imperfect action, because taking the step will open up the next door, adding something to that blank slate that you have, isn't going to make it worse.

It's going to show you what you want there by taking a step and adding something and then realizing Oh, I don't like I don't actually like that. Maybe you think that you want to start kids classes where they come and do crafts, and they pay for it. And so you think okay, I think that sounds fun. I think I want to do that. And then quickly you find out that, No, you don't. You don't want the mess. It takes way more work than you thought. And it's not worth that much effort. Like it wasn't giving you the payoff, it was actually causing you more stress that didn't hurt you that gave you information that that educated your own mind and heart of what you do want to do and what you don't want to do.

So it's not a failure. It's just a shift in a change. It's like, I just found that I don't want to do that. So now that I know that what would be my next step to try trying out things will show you what you want. It's the same with starting a new relationship. If you don't start you won't know if you if you start in the dating world, and then you find out No, I don't want to date someone like that. No, that's not Maybe you'll find out you don't want to date at all, because the dating world isn't helping you. That's okay too. Maybe you'll find that you thought you wanted a person like this. But really, you found that you don't. All of it is just information.

And when we take a step back, we've talked about this a lot about being an observer in our life. When we take things in as just information, knowledge, and education, we can observe our life differently. And instead of having shame, and so much meaning attached to everything, we actually can do so much more, because then we can look at it that way. We're not shaming ourselves, we're just knowing Oh, hey, yeah, I've just found out I don't like that. You know, what's so cool about that, too, is sometimes in our situations, if we've been through a lot, we don't know what we like and what we don't, we are so used to accommodating somebody else, oh, we'll go to that restaurant because they like it.

We don't want to say our needs because we don't want to seem like we're hard to live with. Right? Well, when we start becoming ourselves, and we start adding things to our blank slate, we see who we are, we get to decide. And it's okay, whatever it is. And then we allow people to join us in our life that add to our life. And if they don't, if it doesn't seem like they are adding to it and they're taking away from our life, and it's harder to be with them, then we don't want to add them to our nice clean space, that's been all cleaned up. We don't want to add the clutter back in. And then we know and then we change that relationship, we let that person go.

We change jobs, we create new habits, we do things for ourselves, because we are living on purpose. And we now are sitting in our own blank slate. Does it sound so different? And and better even to look at your surroundings and where you're feeling like empty and lonely? Can you see how shifting this and reframing this in your mind, how it could be like, huge benefit, like this is so great, I cannot believe it. I love it. It's like, it's like when your house is completely clean. And you're just like, I love this so much. I want to keep it like this all the time.

Nobody cook anything, nobody do anything. Right? It feels so good. Think about it like that as things are empty in your life, you have a clean house, your own inner soul is so clean. Now you get to decide, you add in or you don't you make things the way you want them to be you decorate the way you want. It's powerful, it's empowering. It is a surrender. It's a place of acceptance, it is like good feeling instead of a negative one where my life is awful. Instead, your life is empty and free to do what you want with God's right there to help you all the time. Again, we talked about this a lot as well. If you have wounds with God, if you don't believe he will be there for you.

If you don't believe he has shown up for you in the past if you truly believe he let you down. You're not alone in that either. I was there once as well. There's other podcast episodes on that subject. But remember that that is just a wound with God because of other things that have happened. The book that I've told you about Let God love you Why we don't how we can by Wendy Oelrich. That one will help you get on the right track. Get back in your relationship with God because you can have him 24 seven if you want. You don't have to do all of this alone.

If you want to heal that relationship with Him, He is so there for you and he stands there in your own desolate place. He's with you for the good and for the bad. It's also important to remember that you cannot come up with these tools and what to do from your own head. When you listen to these podcasts and you get new insights and you see something different you're like, Oh, I didn't think about it that way. I am in my own excavated place right now. You are not doing that alone. Somebody is giving you that information. In this case I am today. In other cases, it's books or therapy, or whatever. But please don't try to navigate something on your own.

That all you have to come up with new ideas is what's in your own head. Reach out, make sure you get the help that you need. You are so worth it. Therapy is worth it. paying someone to help you is so worth it. Even if you think I don't have the money for this but you're worth it though you are worth the investment you are worth taking another job part time jobs so that you can save your life you are in charge of your life you are in charge of rebuilding it you are in charge of adding things to it, letting things go and you can do it.

And it's going to be a wonderful life and you're going to be able to thrive and even if you are in that place at the moment like this man was asking me about where he's feeling like this is good, but I am so sad if that's where you are get the help that you need. As always, I am here if you want to work with me, you head over to the website, Roxanne Kennedy-Granata.com and schedule some sessions. I do have a free one that's 20 minutes if you want to ask me a question or two Need help with just something small I am here for you relisten to the podcast, those are all free.

And if this is helping you and you gain something, please go leave a review. It helps people find it. And it helps me be able to do this for you as well. I am so grateful to be here with you each and every week with saying that we are taking a little bit of a summer vacation. So we will be off line here on the podcast for a few weeks. And our next one is super exciting.

The one that's coming up. I'm interviewing somebody so great. You've heard me talk about him before. He has books and programs and all sorts of things. But I'm not going to reveal that just yet. But that will be our comeback episode after our summer vacation. So enjoy your summer enjoy the work. Enjoy your time your healing your recovery, know that you are worth it, and I'll see you next time.