Episode 61: Forgiveness is for Me, Not Someone else (part 1 mini series)
It’s common when someone who has betrayed us or caused us harm in some way is asking us to forgive and forget. This happens because they will feel better about what they did if we are no longer in pain. In this first episode of our mini series where I will be answering common questions I receive, we go over what forgiveness looks like for us.
Welcome back to the Choose in Podcast. I'm your host, Roxanne Kennedy-Granata. And I am so excited to be here because we are going to be doing some mini series episodes. It may sound a little bit different today because I am out of town. And I forgot one of the chords I needed for my microphone. So I'm using my MAC speakers. It has a little bit of a echo type sound, but I think you can still hear me pretty well. And we're just gonna go for it. So okay,so I was thinking about doing these mini episodes, because there's been a lot of questions I'm getting on just different kinds of subjects that we could do a whole episode on.
But really, we want to kind of just go right to the point, say what we need to say I want you guys to get tips and tools and understanding with just simple things. So you can kind of absorb them and take them in. So today, our topic is on forgiveness. And this started because I had someone reached out to me and asked me some questions about forgiveness. She had mentioned that her partner is wanting her to forgive faster to heal faster. We talked about how sometimes in our different churches that we belong to our pastors or preachers or bishops want us to forgive so that we can come together and everything can be okay.
But in trauma, that is not how it works if you have been betrayed by a spouse or partner, forgiveness does not come easy if you have been betrayed by a family member, a parent if you've been abused, forgiveness comes with time, and there is no timetable for it. And you are not required to do so. That is one of those things that we at times think that we have to we need to for our own salvation, or we need to because it's it's kind of God's law. But forgiveness is just, it's just so complicated in certain ways. Because on on some things we can forgive, right?
Somebody says something mean, and they're like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I said that. And you're like, okay, it's fine, right? It's easy, or letting go in certain relationships have of things that hurt our feelings, we can sometimes just say, You know what, I'm just gonna let that go. But other times, things cause trauma, and it doesn't work that way. So I'm going to read to you my response to her, I'm not going to read hers. But I'm going to read what I said to her, so that we can kind of open this topic. So this is what I said, "Nobody says to hurry and recover if you've been in a car accident.
Well, this is no different. When someone demands forgiveness like that, that is their issue. It sounds like he wants to feel better. And he feels pain and shame because people are hurt from what he caused. So the sooner you all forgive, the sooner he doesn't have to feel the pain. That's not yours to solve. Recovery looks like this, he would say, of course, you are all hurt. I'm so sorry, I caused so much pain, I know it will take time. I'm here supporting you, however long it takes. Forgiveness is for you, not him." And that is true in all cases.Forgiveness is not about that other person.
It's about you. Because sometimes when we hold on to something, we hold on to it for so long, the other person doesn't even know and it's just harming us. I have somebody that I know that every time I see this person, he reminds me of something that happened not with me, but with another person that we both know, like, 25, almost 30 years ago that this person had said, and he still hold on to it to this day wanting to prove that person wrong. I'm gonna prove that person wrong because he said this, and he doesn't think I'm worth whatever.
And it's complicated, because that's just tragic, really, because that other person from 30 years ago, doesn't even care doesn't know doesn't even realize that you did anything harmful to somebody. And so this person has wasted a lot of time and energy on something that could be removed from his life. But that's just not the direction he took it. So for us as we are trying to heal and we're trying to move forward and we're trying to progress in our lives and be awesome and and kind of thrive in And our purpose and passion.
We want to learn to forgive, but not necessarily for someone else, just so that it doesn't own us anymore. When somebody betrays us or hurts us in some way, we have to allow ourselves to feel all the feelings. If we move through it too quickly and forgive too quick, it's just going to surface back up again, or come out in some other direction, anger at someone else, or frustration or overwhelm, depression, anxiety, all the things that we don't want to have to deal with. And so when we're betrayed, we have to actually go through the healing process.
And forgiveness is one that comes with time. And it comes in stages. For me, forgiveness is kind of a fluid thing. It ebbs and flows. If I am to talk about my first husband, I have come to a place of forgiveness. And really more of just like, it doesn't matter to me anymore. It's like I don't, I don't really care anymore.There's things that I do care about, though, I care about the fact that I still get triggered with certain things I care about that I have to have holidays that are not always with my children. There's there's things like that that happened that I don't necessarily like and I have to revisit where I'm at kind of on the forgiveness scale.
Every time one of those things come up. A couple of weeks ago, we were at my grandson's birthday, and it was with, you know, his side of the family, my side of the family. So we were there together. And it's complicated when that happens. But usually it doesn't matter anymore. Usually I can handle it. Or it's just, I don't care. It's irrelevant. But this time, it was bugging me, it was like, Oh, my gosh, I had all this resentment and bitterness and anger that came up for me. Because he made my life hard. And he changed it to where I don't get to just be with my kids at the same time as he is.
And if he's out hanging out with them. In this particular situation, he was on the grass, and they were playing volleyball and things like that. And I don't get to do that with them. It's like he robbed me of that experience. And so I felt the resentment, anger come back up. So that had been something that had happened that hadn't happened in a really long time. And then it did. And so I was like, wow, okay, I have some work to do. So that's what I did. I did my work, I did my tools. I worked on myself, I had some self care I, I took a bath and meditated and pondered and did parts work on myself, to uncover what that piece was that was bothered, so that I could let it go.
Because I don't want to change anything, I don't want to go back to the way things were. So the choices are, I can go back to the way things I can't really but I can go back in my mind to the way things were at which isn't going to work or I can just learn to accept that this is what it is be grateful for the things I do have now. And not even just the things I have, but the learning that I have done. I'm grateful for what I know now. And so then I can let things go. And I can go back to a place of peace and forgiveness. But if you're not there yet, that's okay.
If you haven't come to that place of resolution in yourself in your relationship with however that is whether you are together with your partner, or you have chosen divorce or error in the process. Forgiveness is going to come with time. Once somebody tries to manipulate you, or force you, or blame you, or ridicule you for not being forgiving, that's more about them than you. And that's actually a form of gaslighting, because they're basically telling you that that didn't happen, you shouldn't be upset about something, and that you should just forgive and forget.
But really, they're just wanting to not have you mad at them anymore or not have you be in pain. And it's because they caused it and they don't know what to do with that emotion. Let them have it though. Let them be upset, let them be angry. And you just stand in your space and just say you know what, I will forgive when I'm ready. But that doesn't have anything to do with you. It's more about me than you. forgiveness isn't for you. It's for me. So I feel better. You have to learn to forgive yourself. You have to go to God and take the things that you need help with, you need to go to counseling and get rid of the shame and learn how to heal.
And also if it's addiction related, learn how to live in recovery, be sober and change your behaviors. So that's kind of how it looks on just a small tip mini session on forgiveness, which we can all practice on a regular basis. We can start with practicing letting go of the smaller things in life that don't harm us and then the things that do work on what we feel what we need to do to heal those things. is what kind of boundaries we need to put in place. And then we can work on forgiveness of those things as well. I'll remind you that sometimes we need help doing these things, we can't do it on our own because we can't see it clear, we still have trauma surrounding it, we have false beliefs surrounding it of, of this shouldn't be this way.
And we don't know how to get past what's in our mind of what should have been. So if that's the case, and you need help, please reach out I would love to do a session with you, we can do parts work and walk you through that piece that is holding on to something that you are ready to let go of. So I am on a roll with these podcasts. I'm excited about all these little mini episodes, I have so many things in store. So check back each Monday, they will be airing, they will be kind of few of them. And then we'll have a larger one in between and then a few more. So I look forward to hearing your feedback on these.
What would you like me to talk about ifyou have a subject that we could do a mini episode on please send me an email at Roxanne Kennedy-Granata at gmail.com. Or look at my website and you can contact me through that Roxanne Kennedy-Granata dot com. And as always, follow me on Instagram. That's where you'll see the most recent updated information. And you'll be seeing that my next retreat will be posted soon. I just had the funest idea about the retreat and so it's in the planning stages. I hope you can make it and I will see you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai