Episode 62: The Judgements From Others About Divorce (part 2 mini series)
It’s hard enough to be faced with divorce let alone have our friends and family tell us what we should and shouldn’t be doing. In this mini episode I talk through the judgements we receive and how to handle them.
Welcome back to the Choose in Podcast. I'm your host, Roxanne Granada. And today we're going to be doing another mini episode. And this one is going to be basically on the judgments that we get from others when we choose divorce or choose separation, and all of the pain and anguish that come with that regarding other people. So I don't know about you. But if you've experienced that, what kind of things have happened to you. For me, it was not an easy thing. People don't know what to do. People don't know what to say, we know that.
And we're not here to judge them or to be mean to them. But we want to talk about the things that that happen. So that you can remember not to take it on not to take what they say internally, and cause you to second guess what you need to be doing. Generally, when somebody has something to say, they don't really know, they don't really know our situation. And they don't necessarily know what they would do. If they were if it actually happened to them. They think they do. They think if I was in that situation, I would never do that.
Some of the judgments that I had were just all over the place. You know, some people would say, oh my gosh, I cannot believe she's leaving, she's going to ruin her children. Now, gosh, that was a hard thing. Because that was something I struggled with when I was going to choose divorce, like what's going to happen to my kids? If I do that? That is something that we worry about as a parent, what will the outcome be? What is the consequence that will happen to my kids? And a lot of times we stay longer than we should because of this because of this fear and this worry?
So when somebody says that, it is just like, Oh, you don't even know you don't even know the anguish that I've gone through to navigate even that particular question in my own mind. But the thing is, is that we can't stay in something that is harmful, that is harming us. Because if it's harming us, it's harming our children. It seems like we should be able to it seems like we can sacrifice it seems like I will just die. This way I will live in this relationship forever so that I don't cause harm to my children.
But we have to remember when somebody says something like that, or we're saying it to ourselves, like if I choose this, I am going to ruin my children. We have to remember that no, we did not cause that so we are not ruining our children. We are actually showing our kids our worth our value. What we will expect what we won't boundaries by saying you know what, this is not okay. We will not be staying in this relationship. That's a good service you can do to your for your kids. So when I say it's not yours to carry, I mean, if you are in a relationship where your partner is gaslighting, abusive, has addiction manipulates deceives, infidelity, any of those kinds of things, and then you choose divorce, you are not at fault for ruining your children.
This is the consequence of someone else's choices. And in most cases, with things like this, it's the best choice. You are the only person that will know what choice is right for you. Some of the other things are things like if she would just forgive him forget, she should just forgive him for doing that. Because he probably just didn't even mean to or maybe he was just stressed or maybe she just wasn't giving him enough attention. And therefore he had to look at pornography and cheat.
That's like just a crazy one too, right? Because we cannot manage or own somebody else's choices. So when somebody tells you that what you are doing is wrong or you haven't been doing enough for that person, therefore they did that. Just remind yourself and you can remind them no, no, that person is a grown adult. They get to decide what they do and it has nothing to do with me. When somebody makes a choice that's harmful that goes against marriage and family. That is not an honest, respectful, loving choice showing caring concern for the partner and the family, there are consequences to those decisions.
And it is not ours as the spouse to carry those or be responsible for those. So anything that your spouse has done is your spouse's decision, it is not yours. And so that's one thing we can release. But it is so harmful. When people say stuff, we have to learn to like, let it go in a way, that's like giving it back to that person and then shaking it off, like, physically, literally shaking it off, like shaking your arms and body so that you get all of that like ahh stuff off of you. Because it's just like, you're just like, I cannot have this stuff on me.
We we want to remember, though, that these people who are saying that do not know, they think they do, they think they are telling you something with good intent that you like, like, as if you didn't know, oh, you know, you should just forgive and forget, as if you haven't already thought about that. Right? You, you should just give him another chance. Because you know, he really is a good person. It's always reminding yourself of what the reality is, yes, there are pieces of him that are good or her there are pieces of this person that are good.
But there's also a lot of pieces that are not, there's a lot of dark pieces, there's a lot of things that are truly wrong. And I've been through a lot of harm because of that person's choices. And if you remember way back in one of the episodes at the beginning, I talked about poison, and I talked about the water, the glass of water with the poison. Do you remember that one? If you don't, I'm gonna give it to you just really quick here again, if I handed you a glass of water, and you were about to take it, and I put two drops of poison in it right in front of you, you would say, oh, no, I don't want that. And I would say why not?
Just take it and you're like, No, you just put poison in it, like, barely, like the littlest bit, the rest of it's fine, the rest of it's totally good, you should have it and you're like, No, because those two drops of poison makes the whole thing, poison. When you are in a relationship with someone that is abusive, whether it's emotional, whether it's from cheating, and infidelity, whether it's from lying, deceiving, addiction, any of those things are all on the abusive scale, it is poison. So even though there is good, if they choose to live the life of a dishonest person, then that quote unquote, drink of water is poison.
Therefore, you don't need to stay because there's this one piece of them that is good. My counselor would always remind me what I've shared this before, when I would say he's a good dad, or when he would say, but I'm a really good dad, he would say really, were you a good dad, when you were lying and deceiving. And meeting up with those women online, where you being a good dad, when you were deceiving over here and pretending over here and then coming home, and being the best person ever that you could be where you manipulating their their life by acting as though you were the best.
But really, you were just trying to make up for what you did before you got home. So it's a constant battle in our mind of seeing reality, but we want to see it because when people come to us and say, oh, you should just forget, because he's so nice. He's always been so nice to me. He's always so nice to all the family. And you know, yeah, I know. But I know the whole, I know all of it. I know all this stuff. And I have to figure out what is best for me in this relationship. It's helpful for you to remember that, yes, a person can have good qualities, but the bad things that are happening, are those something that you want in your life.
That way, when someone says that to you, you can say, Yes, I know. But poisonous poison, or the things that aren't good are just really kind of deal breakers. So that's good that he's good over here. But he has not chosen to do things that are helpful to me. The hardest part is getting through the stories and things people are sharing kind of about you that you might not know of, or you hear of or you can tell that people are talking about you. Those are the things that as hard as it is you have to just let them go and let people think what they want to think you're not going to be able to change their mind. But it is painful because you have no idea what they're saying.
I have found in many situations that people who didn't know what to say then or who thought I shouldn't have done the things I did are now in my situation or have now chosen divorce or have had to because their spouse was cheating. And now they're like, oh my gosh, I had no idea I didn't realize all that it entails. So when somebody is saying something or judging you or telling you you should or should not be doing something thing, just remember, their situation is not yours, and only you know, and only God knows what you're supposed to do. And, and as you go through that path, as you seek healing and counseling and doing the work and talking with God, you will know what you're supposed to do.
And whether you stay or go, sometimes it goes the other way, and people are judging you because you're staying. But again, you will stay or leave depending on what you're supposed to do in your relationship. And in the timing, you might not be ready to go today, and you might be ready to go in a year from now, I think I'm going to add one more comment about our kids, because that tends to be the biggest issue when people want to judge us. And we're, we want to just be like you don't even know what I've been through, you have no idea.
I want to remind you that when people are judging you about your kids, how you're raising them what you're doing, whether you work, whether you don't work, whether you tell your kids, the whole thing that's happening in your relationship, or you don't just know that you're the one who loves your kids, you're the one who's going to know what they need. And as you learn different skills, and as you do your healing, you'll be able to teach them, it'll naturally heal them. So when other people have something to say, don't worry about it, because people will want to say, don't get divorced, because somebody's going to do and you're gonna have to work and then your kids are gonna have to be in daycare, you know what your kids journey is going to be fine.
Your kids are going to have the journey they're supposed to have. And what will be great is the healthier mother or father, depending on how this is that they have, the better off they're going to be, you are the one that gets to walk beside them while they're doing the journey. This is there's no better time than in the middle of all the chaos when when spouses or parents are not doing the right thing that we show our children what they're worth, and what we're worth, that we are deserving of goodness and care, concern, respect, honesty, and all the things and by you choosing you you choose them.
And even though it makes it complicated, and even though it makes it hard, they will be okay, because you are showing them you're paving the way. And that doesn't mean they won't have struggles. And that doesn't mean that they won't have resentments and different things that they have to work through surrounding being the child of divorce. But that's okay. Because what they are going to learn is going to be invaluable for them as they grow up. And as they start having relationships of their own. So to wrap this up on a super positive note, you are doing exactly what you're supposed to do in the right timing, with the right inspiration for you and for your family.
Don't listen to anybody else. Listen to yourself, listen to a therapist help you and guide you to finding what the truth is that you need. And if you are in an abusive relationship, and how to heal your brain and your heart and everything so that you can move forward. Reach out to me, I can help you with parts work in this area. Or we can walk through to see exactly where you're at and where you want to go.
And I will support you whether you want to stay whether you want to go whatever it is that's in your path, I will be there to help you uncover exactly what it is that your core self needs to do, and desires to do so that you can be happy and be free and have peace and joy and fulfill your complete divine purpose that you are meant to fulfill. If you have any questions or concerns on this topic, if this was triggering to you, please reach out and I will answer any other questions that you have or set up a session and we can work together. Thanks for being here and I will see you next time.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai