Episode 65: Denial is a Powerful Tool... Against You

Denial is such a powerful tool. We use it to cope with uncertainty, to excuse ourselves from taking needed action, and pretending that we are okay the way things are even if we are not. We can keep living with our eyes pointed to the ground or we can see the truth and experience relief, freedom, and empowerment. We are deserving of positive growth and an abundance of perspective. 

Episode Transcription:

(This transcript was created using software. Please be advised that it won't be 100% accurate, and it may contain formatting errors.)

Welcome back to the Choose in Podcast. I'm your host, Roxanne Granada. And today we're going to be talking about denial. Denial is a big deal because we use it. So often, we deny in our reality in what the truth is about things, we will deny something that we're feeling, an emotion or a thought that we're having, we will deny ourselves of luxuries, or of the things that we are in need of like our actual needs, wants and desires. We will sometimes think that we are too much for something or for someone. And so we deny ourselves a healthy relationship.

There are so many different things and I was reading in this app I have by Melody BD Language Of Letting Go and way back in July, I had screenshotted this, this, her post for that day. And I was going through different things. And I knew that today was the day that we needed to talk about this. So I'm going to first start out by reading what she had written in her in the daily, you know how it is like a calendar, a daily motivation. And I'm going to read it first and then we'll, we'll just kind of dive in and talk about these things. So she says "denial is a powerful tool.

Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision. Be aware that for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality, not by changing our circumstances. But by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are. Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy reality. The other part went to work on accepting the truth. Now it's time to find courage, face the truth, let it sink in gently, when we can do that we will be moved forward."

So there were so many different things that I liked about this. And it is so true denial is a powerful tool, we use it to cope, we use it so that we don't have to take action. Sometimes we use it to to eliminate hard conversations or hard things that are happening. I love the part where she said, "we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable." Our reality is just what it is, it is there. And for whatever reason, we get super scared to just say it how it is. It's like the truth.

Here we teach our children to tell the truth, they lie or they over exaggerate. And we are kind of upset with them. And we try to teach them the right way. When we are in a relationship or with friends and somebody over exaggerate an experience or a circumstance that we were there or just like hey, why did you want to over exaggerate that? Why didn't you just tell it how it was because I know. I mean, it was fun, or it was great, or it was weird, or whatever it was, but not to the extent that that person was was kind of making the story up to be in front of the group of people. And so why do we do that? Why do we need our reality to be different than what it is?

So I like this part, the part about where we're using it to tolerate our reality. Okay, for one, why do we even want to tolerate something like that? Why do we want to do something or say something or tell our mind a different story so that we can tolerate what we're in. Nobody is deserving of a relationship that just has to be tolerated. If you are in that place where you're thinking, okay, I can handle this. I can do more, I can sacrifice myself, I can tolerate this, then this is really important for you to listen to. And all of us do it in some way.

But if you're in a relationship where you're unsure if you should stay or go if you're unsure if it's abusive or not. And you're talking yourself into it by saying I can handle this I can I can handle this type of treatment. Maybe it's time to look at it and just dissect it a little bit more. Dig deep into it. Maybe you are are supposed to be tolerating it a little longer, because you have things to learn. Maybe it's because you're waiting for somebody to heal from something but they are choosing the healing, well, then that would make sense that we have to sometimes endure something for a lengthy period of time or a short period of time, with the knowledge, or at least the understanding that the other person is doing their part.

And then it's more like, I want to do this, I'm hopeful that this will change. But when there isn't very much hope, or a person has continually shown their set their true colors or continually told you that they are not going to do the work or do what they need to do that you have been asking them. And we still want to tolerate it, then we're in this part, we're in this denial phase. Now, again, if this is you, don't worry, don't worry, I was totally in this faze so many different times. Because I didn't want my reality to be true. There was no way I wanted to accept that my husband at that time wasn't going to do everything possible to save our family.

For me, that just feels ridiculous. Why wouldn't you do that? Like here I am trying to do everything I can to save our family. So why wouldn't somebody else? And we we sometimes do that we sometimes think there is no way this person can actually do that. Because we are looking at that from hoping and wishing that their brain was acting from the same place that ours is, when they continually show us over and over that isn't. That's when we have to recognize and say, Okay, what is the truth? And am I in denial? And if I am, what is it that I need to see?

If we go down one more line to what she had said, what I had read already is "we have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality, not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are." So why do we do this part? Why do we pretend that this isn't really what's happening? For me, I just couldn't wrap my brain around it, I couldn't come to terms with somebody choosing these terrible choices and how it was affecting so many people. And then on the other hand, be a great person or a great father or, or do really awesome things for other people.

Or even for me, I couldn't I couldn't look at that and see that both of them were there like, Yes, this is happening. But also this is too. And the part that is bad or not okay, or that needs boundaries. I need to see it more clearly and not pretend that oh, he's just doing that like making a mistake, or he doesn't realize what he's doing. Ask yourself, Do you realize what you're doing? When you're doing something? Do you realize what you're doing? So when we give that excuse to our partner, or somebody else in our life, our parents maybe that they don't realize what they're doing?

Or this is just all they know, there are pieces of that that are true. But all of us, human beings came with this natural instinct of what feels right, what feels wrong. So we sometimes even as a child, we might have been with a parent and just thought, you know, what my needs aren't met, I need something more or this person doesn't acknowledge me, or whatever it may be. And we innately know, we may have been in a relationship or a marriage where we didn't feel fulfilled. But we didn't have parents that had a fulfilling relationship, either.

And now we're in one and so we think, well, why would we know? We don't know what it is. But we know that something's wrong, that it isn't working, that it isn't fulfilling that, that this is not how it's supposed to be? Why do we know that? Because innately we came with that we came with that knowledge, we came with knowing what we were deserving of what we were supposed to learn how we're supposed to choose and what it would feel like. And that's why even though we might not always be able to put a finger on it, we still know something's wrong.

So when we do this, and we, we don't want to change our circumstance, but we pretend that that there's, it's something different. It's just because of fear of if I say that this is true, if I acknowledge this as my circumstance, then I'm going to have to do something about it. And that's super hard and super scary. So we don't need to shame ourselves and we don't need to be hard on ourselves about this. We don't need to be so like, forceful and like, like we're a burden almost to our own self.

This is just information. We want to be curious about this because when we stopped denying, we start living in our full power and our full truth and really more peaceful. Yes, that means that other things will have to change. Like it says, Why are we not changing our circumstances when we know the truth is, so we do have to make choices and we do have to change. But the growth part is the powerful part. The growth part is extra understanding, greater perspective, happiness, peace, joy, does it come with pain well sure, but our our denial of what is true, doesn't void us of pain. It's a different kind.

So if we can go through pain, by acknowledging truth, and choosing a different way, and being stronger and more bold, we're actually doing something good for us. And we're gaining confidence. And we're growing into stronger people that are have more perspective. And so this is that's the good thing. So even though changing our circumstance is scary, staying is just, oh my goodness, it's just like suffocating. It's just engulfing us in, in despair. And we can pretend for a while, but it catches up with us in things like depression, anxiety, and overeating and lack of interest in our hobbies or things that we love.

It doesn't help us in our parenting or in our relationships. So denial, like she said, is a powerful tool, and we don't want to use it to destroy us, we want to see what we need to do. So that we can, we can be aware and awake and happy and free. All those things are so good. And they they help us in every aspect of our life. I also like the part towards the end where she says, "while one part of you was busy creating a fantasy reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth." And Isn't that so cool.

So you're not starting from the beginning right now, there is a piece of you that has always known the truth of whatever it is that you're listening to this and you're identifying with in some way, there's a piece of you that already knew. And so it has been working on helping you come to an acceptance of the truth. And so that's so cool. Because even though the other part was in denial, or was trying to save you from the outcome, or save you in the relationship or, or save you from having to set boundaries or changing something, the other part was getting you ready.

And that just means oh gosh, so much love right yourself, your soul, your spirit has so much love for you, and wants to do good things for you and wants to help you along this journey. And so when you come to that acceptance, that denial is no longer going to be a coping mechanism that you want to use. You can look internally and realize that you have been working on this already, that you have already been taking the steps. There's a part of you that was ready for this day.

Right now, this day that is coming right now that says you know what, I don't want to live in denial anymore. Whatever the outcome is going to be okay, because the denial is worse. The denial is preventing me from living my best life from finding my purpose from living out my passion in my dreams and finding the things that that bring me joy in my life. And I no longer want to do that. In that step of changing over from denial to acceptance, we create the beginning of an entire new life, something that is hopeful and has endless possibilities.

Does that not sound so much better than living under the rock of denial, where we're not going to take the blinders off, we're not going to look up, we're not going to look at the sun, we are going to continue to just just live in with our eyes down, paved the road, just walk, walk, walk, and not really get anywhere. Just basically watch time go by day in and day out. We don't have to do that anymore when you're ready. Just like she was saying like you it's just time to find the courage. You do not have to accept this anymore. You don't have to live this way. So it takes really strong action of facing the truth.

As you're listening to this, just start to just kind of let this sink in. Think about the parts of your life where you are using denial. Is it in who you truly are? Is it in your relationship? Is it in your work environment? Is it in the fact that you haven't want to set any boundaries and you know you need to but you're too afraid of people not liking you. Whatever it is, let it slowly just sink in. And just realize that today is probably the day. The reason that this podcast episode felt like today was the day instead of July when that came out, was because today's the day.

And for me, that's how God works. He might show me something months before years before, but the day I'm ready to hear it is when it all comes together or when something spurs it, or somebody says something to me. I don't think that's coincidence. I think it's like a plan as far as everything falls into place. And if this is how it works, which I truly believe it is, that there's a piece of you, there's a piece of me, that is always working on finding where we're still stuck finding what we need to be doing, how do we get out of our own way, if that piece is working for our good, and the other part of us is living in the false beliefs, then when we're ready to see it, we're already going to have taken that first step.

So if this is where you are today, and you are really resonating with this, you don't have to figure this out alone, you really don't, it's really hard to do things on our own. And it takes a lot longer. When we reach out to somebody when you go see your counselor or you call me and we work together, or whether you take my program, my program has been out for a few weeks, and it's um, on my website or in the bio of Instagram. But it is exactly this, what is holding you back what false beliefs are holding you back what is in your way that you are denying what is true.

And it's keeping you from reaching your full potential, do the course do the workshop instead. But whatever it is, you really don't need to do it on your own. Because when we invest in ourselves, we we can perform so much better and faster. And we get the validation and assurance that we need. We also don't make up stories about what we think we are. Because we have somebody that's our sounding board that is like, oh, no, no, that is really good. I love the way you thought right there. Or let me challenge this piece right here. And you're like, Oh, my goodness, that's exactly how I felt, or that's exactly what I was thinking.

It keeps us out of the denial, and also keeps us out of making up stories about ourselves that are even way off that are terrible about us that aren't even true. We just want to stay in the truth. We want to stay in reality we want we want to use the tools available to become better and happier and more free and not feel like we have stuff just burdening us down on our shoulders or attached to us. We just want to walk and see clear and, and keep going. So I loved this for today, this denial piece, that it's time, it's time to stop living in denial.

And as we're coming up on the New Year, why not start now, looking at your life assessing these areas where you are using denial as a tool, and get the help you need so that you don't have to do that anymore, because it's exhausting. It is so tiring living in denial, you would think it wouldn't be because we just get to pretend but even pretending we have to believe our own lies. Really, we have to believe that. That what we're doing is okay, or what we're in is okay. And, and we know deep down it's not. And so that truth is always trying to bubble up.

And sometimes we can navigate it and manage it and push it down, push it down, push it down, but it keeps coming up. Because the truth wants to be set free. And your soul and your body and your spirit want to be free to. So as you're going through this week, think about your life. Think about where you need to see truth and start working on it and start letting your full self rise to the top and shine bright because you are so worth it. You are deserving of living in truth and not using denial as a tool against yourself because it is against yourself.

Being honest with yourself about who you are, what's going on what you need. What is important to you is okay. It's okay to have your needs and your desires met it's okay to seek healthy relationships. It's okay to set boundaries. It's okay to let things go. It's okay to accept the truth and have to change things that are going to be hard. You may not know how to do it but it is okay. And you just need help navigating. You just need someone to walk by you so that you don't have to do the scary steps alone and you do not have to if you don't want to. So glad you were here, please practice this. Please choose into you. You are so worth it and I'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai